Friday, January 05, 2007

If You're Happy and You Know It...Don't Read This Post

This pregnancy is really kicking my butt.

When I was pregnant with both of my other kids, I think I was pretty normal. Tired, but normal. I don't recall being overly emotional - perhaps I should double check with my husband - and I didn't really have any cravings. Not the case this time around.

The only thing that is the same is that I am tired. Only, I think that by this time I was regaining some energy in previous pregnancies. I have a really hard time because I feel like I should be able to keep my house clean, play with my kids and do my regular chores and be fine. But I'm not. I have one good day and then I'm wasted the next day. And it's not just that I am tired, I. Am. Drained. Physically and emotionally.

I know it's from the pregnancy and the hormones, but I go through this whole process in my head where I tell myself I'm just being lazy. That there is no reason I can't keep the house up and the kids entertained. That women do it all the time and with more kids and more involvement in other things as well. If it weren't for going to the doctor, I wouldn't have left my house since Tuesday night.

I've been putting the kids to bed at 7:00 just so that I can have some time to myself. But I also feel guilty, like I'm just trying to get rid of them. I feel selfish. And yet, when they go to bed I am relieved. And then I don't do anything productive and I'm mad at myself.

Last night I looked at my house and I pictured my walls as those of a prison. All of a sudden this house was not my home. I found no comfort in the house that I have tried to make so welcoming. And then I laughed. I laughed a sick, dirty little laugh as I remembered thanking my Heavenly Father for this very house earlier during family prayer. How could I be grateful for and so resentful of the same thing in the same day?

Anyway, I just don't feel like myself. The problem is, it's not everyday. Most days I feel fine, tired always, but content. And then something just smacks me across the face and I'm no longer me. There's no warning, no red flag waving. I just hit a wall.

I didn't mean for this post to be so negative, I really just needed to get it all out. I know it won't last forever and I'll get through it.


Katie said...

It sounds like the hormones are really kicking your butt. I'm sorry. Are you prone to post-partum depression? Or depression at all? Maybe it's worth bringing up with your doctor.

I hope you feel better soon, and get some much needed rest!

Gina said...

I am so so sorry! I understand some of your feelings... it's so hard. I hope you get into a better phase of the pregnancy soon. Keep on praying!

ian said...

Hi Gwen

I'm bloghopping today and came over from Fold My Laundry.

Hang in there; you've been through this twice already, you know it'll get better. I'm a father of three myself and although I didn't experience the pregnancies firsthand, I got to deal with a lot of the side effects anyway, so I have some idea what you're going through. Good luck and may you have a happy and healthy baby!

Stop by and say hello